Emptiness

My neighborhood is quiet, my apartment is amazing, I have a car, kids who love me despite my BPD and chronic depression...... but yet I'm just empty. I'm either excessively angry ready to yell uncontrollably at the slightest thing gone wrong, or ready to ball my eyes out and not knowing why... then there's the "I feel nothing, why even bother existing" feeling. More and more I feel empty, unfulfilled,  no matter what I do, where I go I feel empty. I also feel like I dont belong here I belong somewhere far away. But the further I go the more I feel I just dont belong on the earth. I try breathing exercises, meditation, sitting in the car alone..... but it just doesn't help. It's like a ball of hollow darkness has taken over and theirs nothing I can do about it. I know in my head deep down I should get up and move.... but I can't.  I could feel like I did everything "right" today..... yet I'd still feel like a bleeding mess of darkness. Perhaps tomorrow will be better. I'll go in to work, put a smile on so no one can see how I am on the inside which honestly is not ok. But i try so hard. It feels like i do, when those happy high moments come, I can put on a smile anytime before my life choices and currently living gets to me... we'll see what happens